eggshells, shadows, and other pleasing things

thoughts from the fort of zen

2008-12-14T06:03:24Z

i am absolutely ready to get married.

this realization is seriously interfering with my ability to deal with finals. all i want to is look at engagement rings and daydream about apartments for next year.

despite a lot of my old anxiety issues bubbling up at this stressful time of year, i feel like i am living in the moment more successfully than ever before. i am genuinely happy in my life. i love colleen. i love our room. i love my friends. i love my professors. i don't care about my grades (finally). i don't have such a hard time doing fun things when i should be doing work.

i know that my life will be full of happiness and love, no matter where i end up in the future.

now to just make it to friday...
:)

mr. b!

2008-04-21T19:37:20Z

holy crap

2008-04-03T12:51:41Z

how did it get to be april?

spring break

2008-03-30T20:33:43Z

i spent every day of break with colleen. it was glorious. we found out that we travel/vacation very well together. there was the perfect mix of scheduled/unscheduled time, and we did a lot of laying around in the sun and talking. i love her so, so much.

new orleans was beautiful. colleen's aunts were amazing hosts, and just really great people. i'm very happy with my introduction to the kirkhart family so far. i really can't wait for may :)

not quite ready to get back into school, but the end of the year is approaching quickly, and i have a lot of exciting weekends coming up, so it shouldn't be too bad.

life is good!

bugglessss

2008-03-19T06:17:12Z

who knew that i could be this content awake and studying at 2:16 on a wednesday morning.

there will be feasting and dancing in jerusalem next year...

2008-03-16T17:10:14Z

the mountain goats concert last night was amazing. i love live music. i especially love live music with colleen.

this week might kill me. but, i just have to make it through the next five days. by this time on friday i will be finishing up packing and heading to logan with colleen. gaycation, here i come.

seriously, though. i need to focus.

m2213fred @ 2008-01-17T18:02:00

2008-01-17T23:02:55Z

yesterday was the best birthday i've ever had.

i can't believe how amazing my life is.

so much loveeee

m2213fred @ 2007-12-16T11:23:00

2007-12-16T10:15:22Z

and so the most epic semester of my life comes to an end...

i'm coming home.

oh my

2007-12-07T20:48:30Z

pina surprise for dessert tonight = brownies and chocolate chip cookies = heaven on earth.

i am so ready to go home.

good thing "mandatory evacuation from the centro" is a week from sunday.

god, i love this program.

i'm still alive!!!

2007-11-30T08:22:05Z

italy has just been kicking my ass lately. where did november go? i'm not entirely sure. i go home in 15 days. it seems unreal. i feel too... unfocused to make an actual post. i think i will just post a list to get the basic ideas down.

+ 17 days until colleen

- 15 days left in rome

+ so much CentroLove right now!

+ forum prom on tuesday!

+ fuck-it-all day trip to florence tomorrow!

+ 2 full days in rome after exams to go crazy

+ two words: acoustic valentine.

- december 15 will be the longest day of my life.

+ colleen makes my life complete

- exams might kill me. specifically the ancient city exam.

+ this has been the best academic experience of my life, so i don't particularly care about grades.

+ i am in love.

m2213fred @ 2007-11-02T23:44:00

2007-11-02T22:46:29Z

i cannot think of one way that my life right now could get any better.

how is it even possible to be this happy all the time?

i love you, and i love the way that you make me love life.

m2213fred @ 2007-10-27T21:54:00

2007-10-27T19:57:52Z

i want to put the way i feel into words, but i can't.

my life is amazing beyond words. i love my study abroad program and my friends here. i'm having a great experience. on top of that, i have an exciting life with an amazing girlfriend waiting for me at home when i get back.

like... there really aren't words for her.

uh.

love has changed my life. sometimes i can't even believe it.

sigh

2007-10-23T20:02:56Z

i feel completely incapacitated by love.

how can anyone expect me to focus on one of martial's epigrams when i feel this intensely?

obviously, all i'm capable of at this point is laying on my bed listening to cheesy mixes and daydreaming about december, as i've been doing for the past hour.

can i get married yet?

pausing to reflect:

2007-10-15T07:12:48Z

i have been with colleen for six months today. in some ways it feels like it has been so much longer than that, but in others it feels like the shortest six months of my life. Mostly it feels like an eternity though. Its hard to think about my life before I came into this...sunny little world of...complete bliss. Who was I before I was her girlfriend? I don't remember very well. I tried to remember yesterday. We had a long, serious talk online, about my past and the issues that I am still struggling with. I realized that I like the person I have become with her so, so much more than the person I was a year ago. I am stronger, happier, and more independent, despite what looks like a very co-dependent relationship. It is just a different kind of dependency, i suppose. a healthy kind.

and yet...for something that seems like it has been a part of my life forever, i am still surprised by our relationship every day. almost every day I feel like I fall more in love with her. and if this is how i feel four thousand miles away from her, i can only imagine how in love with her i'll feel when i'm with her every single day when i get back. just the thought of this provides me with so much hope. its almost enough to make it not hurt to be here some of the time. *sigh* almost...

right now i've reached a point where i find myself thinking that nothing else matters. yes, studying abroad in rome is an amazing experience, but next to being with colleen... it really does not seem so important. yes, seeing some of my family and friends at thanksgiving is a nice thing to look forward to, but compared with the thought of thanksgiving with colleen... it doesn't really seem as exciting. i find myself just counting down the days. there are 62 until I go home, and 64 until I see her. right now, though...that seems like foreverrrr.

*sigh*

so i guess i feel kind of mixed right now. i feel really great about colleen, and about where we are with our relationship, but not so great about where we are physically. i guess that is to be expected, though.

i think that is all i have to say right now.

happy six month-iversary to me (and to you, colleenie)

the end.

i'm grumpy.

2007-10-03T05:50:30Z

december seems impossibly far off right now.

*sigh*

m2213fred @ 2007-09-04T20:43:00

2007-09-04T18:45:23Z

Latin is an intensely beautiful language on so many levels.

i love it so much.

m2213fred @ 2007-09-01T14:26:00

2007-09-01T12:28:25Z

i'm in rome. i'm so excited, and pleasantly overwhelmed by new people, places, etc.

on the other hand...

i miss colleen so, so much. its just this like..aching empty feeling.

i feel like it might be a long semester.

m2213fred @ 2007-08-27T01:41:00

2007-08-27T05:42:38Z

watching you cry and not being able to reach out and comfort you has to be one of the more painful things i've experienced.

i love you more than i have words for.

m2213fred @ 2007-08-20T13:45:00

2007-08-20T17:45:41Z

i am completely in love with my life.

just wanted to put that out there...

m2213fred @ 2007-08-08T15:51:00

2007-08-08T19:52:19Z

i feel too angsty to even compose an entry about how miserable and angsty i am.

boo.

so...

2007-05-20T18:28:44Z

life beyond the cliff kind of blows.

agreed?

m2213fred @ 2007-05-07T17:43:00

2007-05-07T21:46:26Z

today i reached my hand into the back pocket of my jeans and felt the perfectly bent paperclip i had stuck in there yesterday.

and then i cried.

there are a thousand things i want to say, but none of them are right.

i thought i knew myself better than this.

m2213fred @ 2007-05-06T16:21:00

2007-05-06T20:24:56Z

i am the worst person ever.

i don't want any sympathy, so don't comment. i just want to record it in my journal for myself.

i want to update but i'm not sure what to say.

2007-05-03T18:06:50Z

my life has taken what many people in my life would call an expected turn, but i honestly did not see it coming.

i would really love to explain what is going on and the way i feel eloquently, but i'm fairly certain i'm incapable of non-academic eloquence at this point. plus...i really like lists.

+ i am happy

+ it has been so long in the making that i have no doubts

+ it is normal

+ i am not flipping out, as i thought i might given my recent fears about my future

+ it feels really great to not be constantly fighting with myself

- i am afraid to tell important people in my life

+ i am discovering that like...affection and feelings are reciprocated in the normal world

+ this discovery is fucking amazing.

- the semester is almost over, and then it will be the summer, and then i will be abroad

+ happiness will be here when i get back

+ wellesley is...i don't want to say perfect...but pretty damn close.

i apologize for the ridiculous nature of this post, but i'm in a pretty ridiculous place.

life, i love you...

2007-05-01T17:05:11Z

dear cool people on lj that i know from high school,

i miss you. we should hang out and catch up and hate on barrington when i get home.

dear cool people on lj that i know from wellesley,

you fucking rule. we should hang out all the time instead of doing important end of the semester assignments.

that is all.